Just watched The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya last night with Howen.
I remembered, when I was a slight bit younger, I used to think a lot, too much perhaps...
Well, I still do, but as I get older, I'd shut most of it off.
I remember, thinking that my whole life might just be a dream-like state,
Where everyone was just a fragment of my imagination.
All the physics and sciences and languages were all conjured up in a subconscious state of my mind,
that all laid out and played out perfectly.
In a way, I thought, perhaps
I might be my own God.
Now, I figure, perhaps, it's predestined I am in love my partner.
It could be that I have subconsciously pictured a dark Chinese boy at 170cm to be love in with, and therefore, I am.
It's safe to say so, because everyone, other than family, in your life is actually a matter of choice, above fate.
Choice, simply because you chose them amongst the thousands you've met by fate.
And, I wondered, could it be my own choice then,
that I would be with someone who was gratefully heels over head for me at the beginning,
and start neglecting his role afterward.
Because, I would always complain and rant about how I much I dislike being ignored and taken for granted etc, but still I'd chosen to not move from where I am.
When other girls would expect things like gifts, sweet messages, being fetched, being top priority etc,
and would have the right to get angry when those things are missing,
to me, it's as though him existing and making contact with me is already a privilege in itself.
To be honest, that feeling does suck.
Yet, to be fair, it isn't like he was not a nice gentleman before,
and it is normal for people to start behaving as such when they get comfortable.
But as a girl, I guess it's also normal to want to feel loved by your lover every now and then.
Still, sometimes, I would look at other girls' relationships and get jealous and frustrated, thinking,
'It's not fair. I try harder, am nicer more tolerant, more giving, more etc etc than those girls. Yet, why is it that they are more appreciated and treated better?'
It used to make me so upset every time I thought of it.
But now, I feel like I'm coming to terms with it.
I realize now, it's all our own choices.
They've chosen to be with people who would be that way for them.
And likewise, I've chosen him.
I can complain and rant and argue with him over it, but at the end of the day, whatever the out-turn,
I'd still choose to be with him.
So as silly as it makes me feel, it also makes everything feel better.
If things get better and go my way, then lucky me,
if it doesn't, then at least I could say, 'It's alright, I choose this for myself.'
instead of, 'Fuck shit, it's unfair, I must be so damned in love.'
Because I know, if I were at a crossroad of decisions to make,
One that would assure me of not going through any sort of hurt or pain, and another, him.
I'd choose him all over again, out of my own free will.
Not knowing if he will be for better or worse, but just hoping and wishing, that he'd choose to be better.
And for now, that is what I will choose to hold on to.
The same goes for many other relations and aspects in life.
From the friends you hang out with, how sleepy you are at work/school, to the money in your bank.
It's all because of the actions and decisions you've chosen...
In a way, you direct your own life, although sometimes luck does play a factor,
but I believe luck is something you bring unto yourself as well by the deeds you do, good and bad.
When all's said and done, when you look behind the curtains,
You'd realize... You are your own God too.